![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Whimsy with a twist
girl gets her groove on
taking a break from writing i decided to pedal down to a play party that a friend invited me to.
the play party
taking a break from writing i decided to pedal down to a play party that a friend invited me to. i'd been to a couple of other play parties and many a bathouse in the past few years, all of which were women-only spaces. this party was mixed genders and there were several cis boys in the mix. i wasn't certain about how i would feel in the space.
intellecually at least i thought that i was not going to be a big deal - i was thinking 'come on becca, you know how to say 'no' and besides, it could be hot to watch some guys (or girls and gusy) getting it on'. i felt that politically, as a progressive queer i should be comfortable and into having sexual spaces that aren't gender sequestered, right?
wrong.
maybe it was the pheromones in the room? i was just so not feeling hot or at all interested in being sexual. i felt extremely asexual. there was nothing that actually 'happened' per se - all the guys were very respectful and cute in their lovely passivity. but, despite that, i was just totally not interested in them and their presence completely was a turn-off and made me feel extremely uncomfortable in expressing myself in any sexual way. it was disappointing and i was disappointed in myself for being unable to just get into it.
i left the party. first to leave. i cried in the hallway for a good 10 minutes before leaving. it was in this moment that i really realized that i am a total, utter, unrepentent lez. the though of men grosses me out. their smell, their pheromones, their bodies do nothing for me. moreover (and informing why i was crying) they are very much a trigger having been through an abusive relationship with a guy when i was 17/18 and also some childhood stuff. i've never really gotten over that. i've never really dealt with that and, i suppose, being sequestered in women-only spaces has provided me with the safety from ever having to confront that.
i don't honestly know if confronting that abuse. i don't think that even if i did i would feel differently about men. even this thoughts i find rather fucked up as it seems like my identity as a lez is both a response to abuse (which it's not) as well as being something that is inherently something that i need to get over (which i can't nor do i want to). nonetheless, being in that space made me feel like a bit of a failure, like failing some pansexual litmus test.
i really wanted it to be a women-only space. i realized how important that is to me despite being someone who has often criticized the limitations and supposed intellectual problems of such arrangements. but on a visceral level i realized the importance of such spaces, to be free, as women, from our traumas and judgments put onto us by men.
taking a break from writing i decided to pedal down to a play party that a friend invited me to. i'd been to a couple of other play parties and many a bathouse in the past few years, all of which were women-only spaces. this party was mixed genders and there were several cis boys in the mix. i wasn't certain about how i would feel in the space.
intellecually at least i thought that i was not going to be a big deal - i was thinking 'come on becca, you know how to say 'no' and besides, it could be hot to watch some guys (or girls and gusy) getting it on'. i felt that politically, as a progressive queer i should be comfortable and into having sexual spaces that aren't gender sequestered, right?
wrong.
maybe it was the pheromones in the room? i was just so not feeling hot or at all interested in being sexual. i felt extremely asexual. there was nothing that actually 'happened' per se - all the guys were very respectful and cute in their lovely passivity. but, despite that, i was just totally not interested in them and their presence completely was a turn-off and made me feel extremely uncomfortable in expressing myself in any sexual way. it was disappointing and i was disappointed in myself for being unable to just get into it.
i left the party. first to leave. i cried in the hallway for a good 10 minutes before leaving. it was in this moment that i really realized that i am a total, utter, unrepentent lez. the though of men grosses me out. their smell, their pheromones, their bodies do nothing for me. moreover (and informing why i was crying) they are very much a trigger having been through an abusive relationship with a guy when i was 17/18 and also some childhood stuff. i've never really gotten over that. i've never really dealt with that and, i suppose, being sequestered in women-only spaces has provided me with the safety from ever having to confront that.
i don't honestly know if confronting that abuse. i don't think that even if i did i would feel differently about men. even this thoughts i find rather fucked up as it seems like my identity as a lez is both a response to abuse (which it's not) as well as being something that is inherently something that i need to get over (which i can't nor do i want to). nonetheless, being in that space made me feel like a bit of a failure, like failing some pansexual litmus test.
i really wanted it to be a women-only space. i realized how important that is to me despite being someone who has often criticized the limitations and supposed intellectual problems of such arrangements. but on a visceral level i realized the importance of such spaces, to be free, as women, from our traumas and judgments put onto us by men.