change
this is a topic that i've been drawn to exploring. people are often focused on the 'change' that happens when one has bottom surgery. there's this mystique that's affixed to the colloquial image of bottom surgery. it takes on affectations like the 'sex change' or 'sex reassignment surgery'.

i find it ironic that people ask me, quite predictably, how my vagina - and presumably my opinions and relationship to her - is doing. people are often dismayed by my blase response. i'm sure most other women would concur with me that having a vagina is - unto itself - quite a forgetable component of one's day-to-day life. my momentary thoughts are not occupied by phrasings such as "wow.... vagina" or "me and my vagina are enjoying this latte". the presence of a penis, on the other hand, well that was pretty much on my mind all the time (and rarely - but sometimes - in a good way). of course, no one thought to ask me how i felt about my penis. now *that* would would have made for more prolific conversation!

now, before i develop a reputation of being a vagina-erasor, i will acknowledge that in certain contexts my vagina does become *significantly* less mundane, and that i should hope goes without saying.

all this time freed up from thinking about my genitals has really given me a lot of time to grow and dream. that, i feel, is the big *change* that accompanies bottom surgery.

i've also been pondering the way in which "change" is valued in our culture. it's quite contradictory, i've found.

as a culture, we seem obsessed with "change". this takes the shape of self-improvement and its various beasts (dieting, cosmetic surgery, compulsive exercise, and various rituals of purity and cleansing), in new year's resolutions, and in commercialism and the "change" that's implicity or explicitly promised when we make the purchase, whether it be travel, clothing, make-up etc...

ironically though, 'change' often can be held against someone. changing one's mind, taking a step backwards, making an unpredictable alteration to one's life, or acknowledging when a mistake is made. these things are often understood as being signs of weakness, mental illness, or simple immaturity.

some questions to ponder: what is the relationship between this seemingly contradictory way our culture relates to the concept of change. what does this mean for someone who 'changes' genders? what about for someone who comes out as queer in their 20s or in their 30s? what about for someone who decides to change their career? or who just has had enough of capitalism? are there intrinsically 'good' changes and 'bad' changes? does it depend on who does the changing and when?


~becca