crash...
i have two gears. 0 and 5. there's nothing in between.

i'm good at relaxing, and i'm good at cramming a lot into short periods of time and getting a lot done. i'm absolutely *awful* at taking things at a leisurely pace.. getting stuff done but just gradually. i just don't work like that. can i change? i think i totally need to otherwise i'm going to just be perrenially locked in a cycle of manic work and burnout.

this sort of dichotomy though goes beyond work. it typifies everything about how i approach life. i'm drawn to ashtanga yoga cause it's really intense (for those who haven't done this style of yoga you're probably perplexed by how yoga can be intense). when i bike, it's all about the fast lane, the rush of speeding with, if not by, the cars. when i become interested in something, it consumes me... there's no dabbling here.

this inability to shift things down a notch is especially problematic right now as i'm not 100%, i'm 7 weeks out of pretty major surgery and i totally don't know how to just rest. i rode about 15km today on my bike. it was my first day riding for real and i was really excited. i got across the city though and just hit a wall. i had an energy crash that i've never experienced before. i couldn't stand. my legs turned to rubber and i got so dizzy. i realized how out of shape i was and how not ready for this sort of intenseness.

i need to take it easy. i can get in shape. but slowly. gradually.

post this on your fucking wall rebecca.